Where did 40 years go?

Where have the last 40 years gone?   Realising, as I wrote yesterday, that I`d been working in the same place for that number of years, has set me thinking about my life.

It`s a frightening thought to realise that those years have gone by as quick at that [clicking my fingers].  It doesn`t seem anywhere like as long.  And, even more scary is to realise that over half my life has gone - well, unless I live to be 112 !

What have I achieved in that time?  
Not a lot really.  I still live in the house I was brought into as a baby.  I`m still single.  In fact have never had a boyfriend.  I`ve only worked at one place (disregarding school holiday jobs) - although I have worked up from being on the shop floor, to being on the check-out, then on to the cash office, and now finally to the head office.  Leaving school early, I lost touch with my friends from those days, and haven`t a close best friend, in the way lots of people seem to have, and, actually thinking about it I guess that my Church family are the closest I have to friends, although the vast majority of them are a lot older than me.
I`ve not travelled outside this country (but have no desire to), nor really far in the UK.  I think one of the best things I did was learning to learn to drive about 14 years ago.  That has made quite a difference to me.

But, am I contented with my life.  

At the moment - YES!

29.12.1969

On this day, the twenty ninth of December in the year nineteen sixty eight, I walked for the first time as a very young employee nervously and apprehenively into the retail establishment where I was to work.   It was in my home town and only a short walk from my house. 

I was greeted by the manager, Mr. C.....  a fairly elderly (or at least elderly to me) gentleman, and introduced to the other staff.   Yes, in those days managers were shown respect and call Mr. ....  and not by their first names.  It would have been unthinkable to call him Jack.  In all the years that I worked there with him, no-one ever called him by his Christian name.

We worked from 9 a.m. - 5.30, closed for an hour from 1-2 for lunch and at 1 p.m. on Wednesdays as it was half-day closing in the town.  A 41 hour week.  Everyone started and finished at the same time.  There were no different shifts, as today.  And, ofcourse definitely not open on a Sunday!

Now, 40 years on, I am still working in the same building in the same business.    What changes I have seen in that time though!  Some for the better and many not.   During these years I have seen at least 9 different managers come and go.   Some through retirement, some moved to other branches, one for dishonesty, another `asked to leave`, and so on.   The business has been owned by at least 6 different companies at various times through those years too.

I can`t say that all the time has been happy, most of it has, but there have been times and with certain managers when I have seriously felt like walking out and not coming back.    But, I stuck it, and in the end the manager/s went before I did! 

There have been amusing incidents with staff and customers,  sad ones too, as someone once remarked, we really should write a book about life in a store.   Maybe I`ll share a few of those on here in the coming weeks.   (it will give me something to blog about!)



Little did I know that when I walked in the door in 1969, that I would still be there 40 years later.

One thing I do know for sure, ........ I shan`t be there in another 40 years time!........ well, unless the government raises the retirement age!!!

Last Saturday

After a good day on that Friday, we had a shock and upset on the Saturday evening. My Mum`s man-friend (can`t say boy friend at that age) didn`t go to see her as she epected on the Saturday afternoon. So after she`d made numerous phone calls to his and got no answer, I went round to see if there were any lights on at his in the evening. There weren`t.

Thankfully I didn`t have a key. So I rang the bell of the person the in flat above as I knew them, and luckily they were there (their`s is only a holiday type flat), they came down, but they didn`t have a key either. So he went and got a big torch from his garage to look through the windows. Looking through he could see that Mum`s friend was lying dead on the floor. So that was a shock. Then I had to go and phone my parent and tell her. Surprisingly she seemed as is she expected to hear that and didn`t burst into tears at the time.

In a way, it`s a relief to me that it happened the way it did for him. It would have been so much worse if he`d had had an accident on the way to or from Mum`s, or been at hers. And, to be honest it`s something I`ve always dreaded would happen if he was here or with me in the car, as he was quite elderly.

Although I liked him as a person, I have always resented the way Mum seemed to be putting him in my Dad`s place. And no-one could replace my Dad. So I`ve not shed any tears over this, at the moment, and I don`t think I will.

Torn

Sorry to anyone who`s come here for a cheerful bright read, but today I`m not feeling in the mood to do that, infact that`s why I haven`t posted much lately. I`ve just got such a problem on my mind that`s making me feel torn in two that I`m going to have to write about it here.

This time next week, I should be off on a week`s holiday on my own to some friends - a break that I can badly do with. But the great problem is my parent. It`s not just the holiday situation that is the issue, but it has enlarged it.

My parent is becoming increasingly less mobile and less able to do things, even everyday things for living, like lifting a kettle, getting plates etc off even the low shelf in the cupboard etc..etc. She is very unsteady on her feet and losing her confidence in even walking a few steps, indoors as well as out.

I am feeling it too much of a responsibility on my own, and hard as this may sound I`d like to get her into a home to be looked after. But...having tried to mention it to her..... well, you can imagine the reaction, can`t you?! It`s "you don`t want me" *you want to get rid of me" ^you wish I was dead".

I`m just feeling so torn - torn between wanting a life of my own, before I`m old and decrepit to enjoy it and to make some friends and the responsibility of her. It`s getting me down and I feel so alone.

Waiting Over

I didn`t have long to wait this morning before the phone call that I`d been waiting for came. And with it came the news that I hadn`t been selected for the job this time.

Was I disappointed? In lots of ways yes, because I know that it was work that I could have done and would have enjoyed doing; it would have been a help in my home life too. But yet when I came out of the interview yesterday I knew that I`d let myself down, I`d as usual shrunk into my quiet self, I`d become (as so often) tongue-tied and `struck dumb`, and didn`t showing my true abilities. I suppose too that my upbringing, being that one doesn`t talk about oneself, or what I can do still affects me, and I find it very difficult to talk about myself.

Yet, I`m proud of myself that I did have the courage to apply for the job and to go for the interview. My confidence in myself is growing to how its been my whole life. Even a few years ago I wouldn`t have plucked up the courage to even show an interest in the job even though it would be work I could do. And as for going somewhere I`d not been before I would have found all excuses under the sun not to go. So, although I wasn`t successful in being appointed, I feel its another small success for me in confidence building.

On this day......

The twenty eighth of December ninteen sixty nine is a date that will always stick in my memory. It`s the day that I first walked as an employee into the establishment where I still work. Looking back, what changes I`ve seen in those 38 years, how many different staff have come and gone during those years, yet I still remain there almost as part of the fittings and fixtures.

Yet, it doesn`t seem like 38 years, it feels more like nine or ten they have gone so quickly.

But it`s also a frightening thought. Thirty eight years of my life have gone too. And where have they gone? Life seems to be passing me by. Those 38 years gone mean that I`m only about ten years away from retirement (unless the government change the goal posts again!). Do I want to retire? In a lot of ways Yes, to have a life. But then that will mean I`m getting old, rushing on towards the end of it, -- a scary thought.

Late!

I`m all behind. No, I don`t mean the shape of me - well, I hope not!
I overslept this morning, I didn`t have to go to work, so hadn`t set my alarm clock. I was awaken by a parent shouting "Are you awake?" - "No", I replied.
Thinking about it, that wasn`t true, because if I wasn`t awake I wouldn`t have answered her would I? I don`t think I talk in my sleep.

I wasn`t actually very late, it was about 8 minutes past the time that I normally go in to see if she`s up and about. But, somehow that put me all out. Jobs that would usually have taken me a minute or two to do, suddenly seemed to take three times as long, nothing went right first time. I felt rushed, edgy, hustled and irritable.

Then, managing to make it on time, although a few jobs were left undone, I went to a Service. What a difference that made. Just stopping to be quiet and calm for half an hour. Everything fell back into perspective. And, more importantly, I think I learned a lesson from that, that however rushed I feel, I should stop and make time to be with God, if only for a few minutes.

True to life?

Always one to enjoy having a go at these fun quizzes one comes across on here, I had a go at one I saw on Dave`s blog to see if it worked for me. Here`s the result

Ivy took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in ..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

It`s almost uncanny how accurate this has turned out to be. (although there`s one line which doesn`t apply..... but I`m not saying which!!)

Going Back

In the space of a few hours I`ve travelled

...from Freedom to Chains
...from Independence to Tied
...from Adult to "Child"
...from Individual to Doormat
...from Happy to Frustrated
...from Relaxed to On Edge
...from Contented to Discontented

I want a better life for myself than this,
I want a life of my own before I`m too old and decrepit to live it,
I want to be something I can`t be
ME.

Soothing Chores

Standing cutting potatoes into slices and then strips to make chips a short while ago, I suddenly realised (and I remember now noticing before), what a soothing effect doing that job was having on me! I felt completely contented, not in a rush, just allowing my mind to either wander or do nothing whilst my hands did the work. Whether it was the systematic, methodic way of just slicing potato after potato to about the same size chip, that had almost a hypnotic effect on me, I don`t know.

Then I got to thinking about another cooking task that has a similiar effect, and that`s standing stirring a saucepan of gravy, or custard or anything that one has to keep stirring round, and round, and round. I never seem to be short of patience to do that either, maybe there`s a deeper level to it, that as one stirs and watches the swirling of the liquid in the centre it`s possible to imagine worries and troubles dropping down into the centre of the vortex and disappearing.

I wonder if anyone else finds similiar experiences in cooking? Or in other mundane tasks?

Is it worth it?

Are holidays really worth while? For days beforehand, there always seems to be so many jobs that must be done; items that must be tidied away; things started that need completing; people to be trained at work to do my job while I`m away, and so it goes on, and that`s all on top of the emotional pressure being put on me not to go.

I really do wonder, is it worth it.