Sunday, June 01, 2008


Sorry to anyone who`s come here for a cheerful bright read, but today I`m not feeling in the mood to do that, infact that`s why I haven`t posted much lately. I`ve just got such a problem on my mind that`s making me feel torn in two that I`m going to have to write about it here.

This time next week, I should be off on a week`s holiday on my own to some friends - a break that I can badly do with. But the great problem is my parent. It`s not just the holiday situation that is the issue, but it has enlarged it.

My parent is becoming increasingly less mobile and less able to do things, even everyday things for living, like lifting a kettle, getting plates etc off even the low shelf in the cupboard etc..etc. She is very unsteady on her feet and losing her confidence in even walking a few steps, indoors as well as out.

I am feeling it too much of a responsibility on my own, and hard as this may sound I`d like to get her into a home to be looked after. But...having tried to mention it to her..... well, you can imagine the reaction, can`t you?! It`s "you don`t want me" *you want to get rid of me" ^you wish I was dead".

I`m just feeling so torn - torn between wanting a life of my own, before I`m old and decrepit to enjoy it and to make some friends and the responsibility of her. It`s getting me down and I feel so alone.


Lani said...

Oh dearest Ivy. Hugs. I know this won't be an easy decision for anyone, but you've at least introduced the idea which will maybe make it a little easier for mum to accept when the time comes for it to be a reality. Thinking of you across the miles.

eija said...

I'm really sorry for you and the situation. I know it's not easy! I've been watching closely a situation that was pretty similar to yours - only the one to be taken care of was an adult son, and the care-taker was an old mom. The son wouldn't accept anyone else but his mom, even though mom is now 75 with very bad hips and back because of 40 years of lifting and caring for his boys. This winter the son suddenly died.

The thing is, I believe in "healthy selfishness". We can't allow our parents or children manipulate us to do things out of guilt. Sometimes implementing the right decisions bring about pain and sadness, especially if the other part is refusing to see things realistically - but you can't carry the guilt that comes out of someone else's brokenness or immatureness (is that a word?).

Still, I know, it's a tough decision. And getting rid of the guilt - even the unnecessary one - is far from easy. So I'm saying a prayer for your situation.

Leigh said...

I can't offer any real advice to you, but I will be praying for you and your mother. I will say that it is healthy for you to have your own life, which you deserve without guilt. You are devoted to your mother and that is great but you still need to be "YOU".

Ivy said...


Z said...

Ivy, I am just starting to catch up with blogs - I do sympathise. I'm sure that a few years ago your mother vowed never to be a burden on you - no right answers, you just deal with the situation as it arises as best you can and feel frustrated and guilty about it. I'm glad you got away for your holiday though.